Well I shall start by saying that I’m not really
one who likes to blog.... or maybe I do, but there are a number of reasons that stop me. I tend to make a
lot of grammatical errors (just ask my dad who claims half my university degree
is due to him being my editor). I’d hate to be perceived incorrectly by people,
like that I think I’m some sort of guru and that everyone needs to read about
me. So yes, to be honest I probably care too much about what people think. I
also don’t like the idea that people can read my blog and I might never know!
It also scares me having my friends who may not understand my faith reading my
blog, as they might just get a glimpse into the real part of me, which yes is a
crazy, Jesus loving Christian! (I hope those people still want to be my friends
ha-ha).
On the other hand, I guess I have been challenged lately that it’s
important to share my story. I love the
idea of having somewhere to capture this as it unfolds. I also hope it can be
away of encouraging people and something I can look back upon when I’m old and
grey and I want to remember moments in my life that I would otherwise have
forgotten.
So here is a little bit of my next chapter.
Three weeks a go I put in my resignation at
one of my jobs.
It might not seem like a big deal, but it
definitely has felt like it is. Firstly, because I never realised how much of my
life and heart I’d invested in my job until I decided to go. Secondly, because I
don’t really have an answer to tell people when they ask me where are you going
next, or what’s your plan. But largely because it has uncovered one of those
weaknesses in my life that I’ve constantly wished wasn’t there, but that I’ve needed
to face. And this friends is the fact
that I hate (or used to hate) making decisions. This is largely attributed to
the fact that after I finally weigh up every possible option, outcome and
conclusion and then make a very, very, very well informed decision, I generally
start doubting it.
James
1: 6-8 (the message version)
If
you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll
get his help and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly,
believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are
like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the
Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.
So through this process I feel I have
learnt a thing or two..
Doubts are not my friends. Doubts are
nasty. They often try to appear so small and cute and teeny tiny that they
don’t matter. They also try to pretend that they are helping to protect you
from some looming danger or serious catastrophe as the result of your “poor
decision making”. They try to tell you ALL the things that you may have
forgotten to think about (as if you ever forgot).
Well the truth is doubts are liars & they
are definitely not your friends.
Doubts lead you no-where except for circle after
circle in your thoughts.. The exact opposite of your decisions.
Oh and did I mention how doubt loves to introduce you to his best mate, confusion. Totally not worth meeting this guy either.
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So this time, I have chosen not to doubt my
decision. I definitely had a few moments where those fears came flooding in
like; what if Gods doesn’t agree with your decision (after already getting the
green light), or what if you change your mind and my personal favourite; what if after you leave your
job you become so bored that you get super depressed and then don’t do anything
at all, and waste your whole life.. You get the idea, these doubts are
ridiculous!
Anyway the truth is, I am leaving as I’ve
been too busy. I don’t want to always be busy with work & good things, that I never
actually give the time to discover what’s really inside of me and what I’m
capable of. I’d like more time to seek Jesus and to be His friend without
always feeling rushed, busy or tired. I’d like to pursue more of my passions,
my creative side. I want to help people because I want to, not because I have
to. I need more time to spend with my dear housemate. I want to have time to
love my friends and to love strangers. So yes we shall see how all this goes and where this new venture leads.................................
It's cool because I already feel a new freedom now to make decisions and to be confident in them. I know God, I know He’s inside of me and I know He’s for me. I don’t have to be afraid of making decisions anymore. But when I choose something, its almost like the most important thing is to then embrace that decision and to be confident in it and in Christ. Decisions feel a whole lot easier now.
I’m not saying that I have this all
together, that I have made it. But I am well on my way, reaching out for
Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends don’t get me wrong:
By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on
the goal, where God is beckoning us onward – to Jesus. I’m off and running, and
I’m not turning back. So lets keep focused on that goal, those of
us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in
mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision
– you’ll see it! Now that we’re on the right track- lets stay on it.
(the rest
of this chapter is awesome too!)
Matthew 5: 37
Let your yes be yes and your no be no,
anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
